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Dialogues with God

Sep. 9th, 2006 | 02:11 am

Me: God, where have you been all these years? Where have you been while I’ve been roaming the desert? Where have you been while I’ve been trying to get away from the burning sands and emptiness of the desert?

God: I’ve been the desert all along. I am the dark night of your soul. It is one of my many faces. It’s my Kali face.

Me: Well, if you are this desert, then I want to forever roll in its sands and feel the texture under my skin. I want to roll in the sand as if I’m making sensual love to the one I love. I want to swim and fully immerse myself in the heat and the dunes. I want to drink from the cactus that is covered in thorns.

clove of seasons.... always in transition

Sep. 3rd, 2006 | 12:32 pm

finally coming out of the dark ages i was in! i crawl out of my whole and squint because my eyes are flooded with light. my muscles ache and i have a midnight shadow, but all's well.

i felt like the period of nightmares and fear I've had this past august is loosening up. all i needed was some tlc and relaxation. i've let my mind roam and expand and be free, gotten off the drugs, and rested and eaten well. i'm still feeling the process of healing.

for all of you who've kept up with me, thanks for the love.

Bearing Myself

Jun. 18th, 2006 | 07:36 pm

Today Brooke and I went to Target. And I guess I must have been wearing a really low cut top, because as I was leaving, this lady started yelling at me to cover myself up. At first I was really sullen and just wanted to say, yeah, i'm sorry... but something in me clicked and what follows is the ensuing conversation:

Lady: Put those breasts back in. you’re in public for god’s sakes!

Me: [feeling sullen at first, but then...] Ma’am, if I had wanted your opinion,
I would have asked for it.

Lady: There are children in the store. Have some pride in yourself!

Me: I do have pride in myself, ma’am. Again, if I want your opinion I’ll be sure to ask for it.

Lady: I have an opinion and I’m going to express it!

Me: Well, there’s a whole parking lot here that’ll listen to you, I’m sure.
[we were outside by this time]

Lady: I have a fifteen year old son, I don’t want him seeing you!

Me: Good luck with that kind of thinking ma’am!

Did I do the right thing? Not sure, but I know I stood up for myself. I feel no shame in my body, and as long as I don't enact pornographic stuff in public, I'm okay with wearing clothing that's a bit revealing. Boobs are not evil, they're a natural part of life.

knight mares

Jun. 15th, 2006 | 11:00 am

i had dreams all night last night of my myth (typo - I mean, mother) dying. She was to die by the end of July. She went to India to stay with her sister during the last days. I had to go through the entire night grieving from every stage possible of a loved one dying. Moments of numbness, of indifference, of void, of feeling the loss of someone who has permanently left.... oh my gosh... how do i deal with this?



Jun. 14th, 2006 | 10:19 am

guess what? I'm opening my Celtic Wisdom book (there's a passage for every day of the year) and I just looked back on yesterday's entry to see what it was (June 13)... and look:

"Science can breed other life forms, DNA, or tissue, but not without the death of the donor or loss of integrity to the tissue in question. The issue of genetic research is surrounded by fear and desire. The ability to change every shape and yet remain changeless can....."

Well, the synchronicity is that yesterday (June 13) I watched Mission Impossible 2 (twice in a row by the way)... and this was the exact storyline! It was about genetic manipulation, fear, and desire.

what the hell!

I pray and I pray and I pray

May. 24th, 2006 | 02:24 am

I look at all the accomplished people in the world
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at all the confident people in the world
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at the immense beauty of one person at a time
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at the bigness and the ambition of people
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I see the drive and calling in another’s eyes
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at the forward momentum of person A
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at the wholeness in person A
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at the cosmopolitan side of person A
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

I look at person A
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

Regardless of person A
I pray, and I pray, and I pray
That I’m somebody

by the way, person A doesn't refer to anything obvious.

too much "dough"

Apr. 12th, 2006 | 12:13 am

Rahul was telling me:

London's most expensive sandwich, nick-named 'The MacDonald Sandwich', is seen at Selfridges in London April 10, 2006. The sandwich, which is on sale for 85 pounds ($148 dollars), contains ingredients of Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit and English plum tomatoes. REUTERS/Paul Hackett

adventures in the dark night

Apr. 6th, 2006 | 10:25 pm

Last night I was walking down the dark streets of downtown Carrollton in search of Larry's house. He invited me to a party and at 11pm I was combing Tanner Street for his house. I never found it, but I found two things.

1. a place called "Veranda," a hosting house for parties, meetings, and cotillions... excellent for my period party, maybe? for graduation parties... for my alumni conference....

2. i also found that i was a little nervous. during my dark night of the soul, i have trouble being out in the dark night of the world. i fear that i will see some crime being commited and that i won't know to report it and i'll be an accessory to the crime. of course, since on zoloft, these fears are minimal. still, i felt the remnants of these fears last night. then i heard this thing inside me that if i weren't leashed to my dad, if he weren't out with me wherever i went, i would enjoy the night and not worry about crimes... i would feel free.

this is a lost ring i found during this deep sea dive... maybe it's feeling leashed to my dad that makes my guilt manifest as guilt of committing crimes... something to play with in my ontological playground... swinging on the existential swingset... rolling around in the impermanence of the skandhic sandbox....

i feel so much sorrow around my parents. i feel my spirit being killed whenever they're around... things that go wrong are always linked back to my fault somehow....

anyway, i'm picturing the newspaper boss in spiderman screaming sarcastically, "OH PLAY ME THE VIOLIN!"

lol, so i'll go now...

earthy old woman quakes

Apr. 1st, 2006 | 06:39 pm

this old woman was I
my face weather-beaten

and permanently etched
as land of a barren land
is etched with cracks and fissures

so my face - dry and parched
was branded with wrinkles
like cracks in hard, unfertile desert rock

one day as i sat in a coffee shop
writing down my favorite gloom tales,
a little girl passed me by
holding her mommy's hand

i managed a little smile
she smiled back... in that smile, i was smiled
i was smiled by someone...

and as if a tectonic shift was happening,
i felt my nose twitch and the wrinkles were stirred

the canyons at the corners of my mouth started upturning
as if seismic waves ripple through a barren rock land,
the configuration of my facing started shifting...

as plates and land masses start moving,
the inter-wrinkular regions of my face started being stirred
as they changed

and there... there it was:
a smile on the face of this old woman

the cracks and wrinkles were still there,
but now rearranged to allow emotion through

as the earthquake stirs up untouched rock
to form new cracks and change the old ones...
as some rock mass is pushed aside in the collision of plates
in slow motion, yet within moments
as other formations rise up,
my face started twisting... and distorting....

my mouth now upturned....
my nose now broadened out...
crinkles at the edge of my eyes...

the name of the canyon now needs to be changed.

i looked up again and saw the little girl exiting...
she had her back to me... but if i saw her face,
i knew that is what rainbow brite would have looked like
if the collective image had taken a bodily form...

Color does reach the colorless, the barren, the unseen...

curiosity saved the cat

Mar. 25th, 2006 | 01:24 am

I want to call out and see if there is an answer
are we really connected or is it just a dream?

will a dolphin do a triple spin when i cry out?
will a gorilla somewhere eat an extra banana in response to my call?

will an orchard grow an extra apple tree when i laugh?
will a squid miss a meal when i've farted?

are we really connected?
will another rose bloom when someone tells me i'm lovable?

will death strike a cactus when I go into my suicidal bouts?
will a cat be saved from a speeding car when I've indulged in another scrapbooking fest?

will a person breathe another breath when I've found my calling?
will a shark die when I've missed an opportunity to show someone love?

will i spill my coffee when a deer feels a bullet entering her hide?
will i choke on my cheesecake when an old man in texas has his nineth heart attack?

will i feel a high when a sixth grader in kansas wins the spelling bee (and mistakenly think it's the zoloft?)
will I find a treasure in the mail when an eagle fledgling takes its first flight?

are we truly to receive one another in the most intimate ways?
will an aardvark in australia understand me better than my best friend?

will my questions never end?
will the foreverness of my curiosity sustain the momentum of evolution?

does this even make any sense, loved ones?